February always feels like an annual Tuesday. It doesn’t have the same hopeful air of January, the feeling that you really can make yourself over into someone else in the New Year really gets tested in the shortest month of the year. That being said, this year’s February felt like a lifetime. Part of me thinks that was due to the current shit-show that is US Politics, but most of me knows that it was that plus the fatigue of last year catching up with me. Starting my last semester of undergrad and getting adjusted to being back in the United States took up all of my mental and physical energy in January.
And so, February was the first month where I really started to feel present and able to sit with myself. It was kind of terrible? Well, better put, it was overwhelming in that I realized I had been neglecting a lot of things that were important to me like exercise, self-care practices, spending time with loved ones, and so on. I felt like I would try to prioritize something, only to lose out on something else that I wanted to devote attention towards. This time around, February was the longest-shortest month.
I am trying to do better in March, and for being only five days in, things seem to be going well. With any luck, I’ll find out about being named a finalist for the Fulbright award that I applied for to Montreal this month. I am excited at the prospect of doing more game studies and queer studies work, and lately I’ve been more confident in my proposed “trajectory” as a scholar. Believing in oneself is hard. This month will also be an important one for my honors thesis work especially since I’m incorporating some sociology of illness stuff into it. Theorizing an absence around a speculation about what ought to have been produced in the AIDS media ecosystem is really hard, so I’m glad that a long talk with my second reader for my project gave me the idea to ground it in a medical sociology theoretical framework.